His plans are greater
12 years ago, my husband of 23 years, 42 years of age,
father to our two kids, 15 and 13 yrs old, died tragically in a
motorcycle accident. A firefighter, he was on his way home
from work after a 24 hour shift, and a woman turned left,
hitting him, and killed him fairly instantly. The story of the
unfolding of that day alone is akin to a full feature
made-for-tv movie. Kids’ first day of summer vacation,
police arriving to the house asking for me, sending
police/fire to my downtown office to share the tragic news,
driving home with the firechief in an insane amount of
emotion and shock, only to halfway home realize the worst
was almost yet to come – telling my precious kids this
life-rocking news.
I can talk in copious details about that day, the following week of intense drama and emotion as our house became a wide open ground for the hundreds of family & friends preparing for the visitations/funeral – which is a whole story unto its own – as there are so many in our community who rose around us and held us up.
Prior to that June 30, 2011 day – life was fairly ‘regular’. Good jobs, good families, good involvement at church, things were ‘good’. But my reality was not ‘good’ as far as where I was with God. I knew it, and God knew it. But I had figured out how to play the good Christian woman/wife/mom role, so just lived in it. And then Brian was taken from me, from us.
The next two years I created a very edgy, brick perimeter around me and my kids. Nothing else mattered but protecting and taking care of them. My interest in ‘God’ and hearing people encouraging with thoughts of Him, let alone Scripture, was the last thing I wanted to hear.
Then Thanskgiving two years later came, and within 24 hours, both of my parents ‘got sick’. And in one foul swoop, and two trips to the emergency ward, my dad was never to return home again – nor my mom, who was in a blink of an eye, not able to care for herself, with growing dementia which seemed to arrive (for me) overnight. My dad underwent so many brain surgeries and potential recoveries, but after 4 different hospital stays in a sustained 6-month time, my poor dad died. How is this even possible, when my husband just died 2 years before, and now my dad had to be taken?? I was visiting the hospital every day to see my dad – and I wanted noone there with me. I didn’t want pity from anyone. If you want to drop off a meal for my kids, do that – but I don’t want anyone alongside me.
My mom moved into a long-term care home – and slowly, yet ironically, her ‘aggressive dementia’ moved her from my mom who took care of me, to a mom who needed complete care and couldn’t take care of me, when I needed her the most.
I threw myself into what mattered. My kids, and work. Brian did everything at home – so just ‘surviving’ living was hard enough. I still had really no interest in 'God stuff' – I would show up for church, but I didn’t sing, I didn’t participate in worship, no interest, and definitely felt I had no connection from a ‘God’ perspective. The community there, I knew was critical for my kids (and for me) – but I was still so edgy, and really ‘not nice’, and so focused on not having ‘pity’ from people that I never let my guard down.
I had so much guilt, so much emptiness, so much anger, and so much sadness – seeing my kids without their father – and now I am without my father, and in essence my mother because mentally and now physically she was incapable of being my mom. I had lost in a 3 year window, the 3 most critical people in my life, wondering if my kids could be next.
I recall being at the cottage, sitting in the hottub by myself. And vividly remember being so sad and so mad – and yelling out loud to God – that He better not touch my kids – that if He did, I would still believe in Him because I just know He’s real – but I couldn’t follow Him. He’s taken too much from me. I actually had no desire of anything, not God, not people - my kids were all that mattered.
In late fall/winter of 2014, into 2015… not exactly sure of the order of them:
1) one of my 'finger' friends ('5 finger friends' hand of mine, 5 loaves and 3 fish... these women are super special, that's a whole other story)... texted me that she just knew that God had something great and wonderful in store for me in the new year. Not ‘hey something good’s going to come your way’ – but a far more meaningful, spiritual, real phrase that I couldn’t get out of my head.
2) I finished reading "The Shack"… I read half of it the summer of 2012 – then when I got to the part where he ‘went’ to the shack – I thought it was stupid and put the book down. Til the summer of 2014, when I picked it up and read it - I believe God wasn’t ready for me to read the second half earlier. Through tons of tears, I read this book and felt like God was literally talking directly to me with every one of the sentences that ripped right at me. Including some below… The first three are the ‘loudest’ that I will just never forget… and the others work hand in hand with ‘The Star’ I’ll tell you about shortly… the following are the thundering ‘pam’ quotes from 'The Shack' by William P. Young:
“I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies”
“…his garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I,
we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild
and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess,
but I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive”
“But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and
I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good and the
most loving outcome.”
“I don't just want a piece of you and a piece of your life.
Even if you were able, which you are not, to give me the biggest
piece, that is not what I want. I want all of you and all of every
part of you and your day.”
“…pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.”
“when all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?”
“Does that mean,' said Mack, 'that all roads lead to you?'
'Not at all.' Jesus smiled as he reached for the door handle to the shop. 'Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you.”
“An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.”
“…don’t need to punish people for sin. Sin is its own punishment, devouring you from the inside. It’s not my purpose to punish it; it’s my joy to cure it.”
“It’s extremely hard to rescue someone unless he is willing to trust you.” “Yes, it sure is.” “That’s all I ask of you. When you start to sink, let me rescue you.”
“My purposes are always and only an expression of love. I purpose to work life out of death, to bring freedom out of brokenness and turn darkness into light.”
3) Finally, the Star… Not even sure what
initiated this to be created by Stephanie, a ridiculously
close family friend, actually just is, family - for a
Christmas stage backdrop that year – but I was dead in
my tracks when I saw it. It was like my name was written
all over it. It was like God saying “Pam, it doesn’t matter
what you’ve done. What’s happened. I am here. Come
back to me.” Literally every phrase on that star, has such
deep meaning that I could apply to where I was – it
pretty much scared me – but I couldn’t deny it like I
had everything else. And from that moment, I started
to turn around, and look for Jesus again.
I took a picture of the Star and made it the ‘backdrop’
on my phone. This is the backdrop of my life.
And then in July 2015, I met Kevin. How could God possibly have had me ready for what He had in store for Kevin, until I had come back to Him. When we shared our ‘life stories’ as we met – I told Kevin that I was ‘into God-stuff, and that I had just got that figured out again, and couldn’t have him screw that up for me’. Through Kevin’s own journey, he found Jesus, for the first time. I thought, how crazy and amazing is this that God would allow me to be a channel for reaching Kevin for Him. I was the LAST person who could do that over the last bunch of years with how dark my heart seemed. I knew then that even if our relationship was only meant to help bring Kevin to Jesus – that would have been perfect.
In February 2017, literally the day Kevin proposed, my mom passed away. Ridiculously sad, and yet as if, she was allowing herself to go, not because Kevin would ‘take care of me’ but like ‘my mom again’, ruthless for my safety and knew Kevin cared so much for me. in September 2017, we were married. What a journey that was in coming together, in God’s timing – for both of us. And we both needed the messages of ‘the Star’. At our wedding ceremony, the painting was the backdrop for the ceremony as my oldest brother married us and was able to refer to so many of the key messages and our lives coming together. The hope we have. God has a greater plan.
We now have this painting of the Star, hanging in the main floor of our home for all to see. This is the backdrop of our life – “do not be afraid’, ‘you can trust Me’, ‘I keep My promises’… our hope is only Him. Whoever would have thought God could turn these two lives into something He can use.
Finally, and so not last, my children. I can barely breathe to speak about them. People say ‘children are resilient’. There is no words to describe them. My kids are not perfect. But I am beyond far from perfect – and know that I made countless mistakes before, and especially after Brian died. And yet our '3 piece pretzel' became the most critical thing in my life – an unbreakable interwoven pretzel. I can say without a doubt, that God chose my children to be what held me together. When people ask how have I made it? I know it’s God, and Graydon & Jaclyn. As much as I thought that everything I was doing was to protect and care for them as the only thing that mattered anymore to me – that in fact, they were the ones holding me up, protecting me, and loving me through all of the pain and sadness I was in, but even while they were in still with all of their loss. My heart will forever be in one tattered but held together piece because of Graydon & Jaclyn. Beyond forever grateful and blessed.
We continually experience sadness from our losses – of Brian, my dad, my mom. We will forever have this – and for me and my kids, it’s very unique for each of us, the triggers and what makes us sad, even nine years later, it is all so real and so fresh some days that it’s so hard, and feels like we re-live things over and over again.
But I know that I have found Jesus again. That He has provided so many blessings thru the deepest sadness and shocking life changes I would never have predicted would happen to one person, in such a short window of time. I say that my life is about ‘making a difference’, ‘having an impact’, ‘being memorable’. This is because of what’s happened to me – not just the grief, but the re-finding my relationship with Jesus – and that He chose for me to still be here on earth – and that I’m supposed to do something ‘more’, share this story, reach others, help others, those who are grieving, those who need someone to hear their ‘raw’ crappy situations and not judge.
I began to do worship again. I found my voice and desire to play the piano again. My edginess (though I still have a load of sarcasm I can’t seem to shake sorry my friends... )… gave way to seeing people less wanting to pity me, but seeing they just want to love me. Kevin, after about 6 months of dating, asked me to ‘please just remove one brick from the fortress you have built around you, let me in’. That was hard work for me to let myself be loved. I was protecting myself from never being hurt and devastated again - but over time, I started to soften, slowly.
Being involved with Griefshare, a program at my church, has been an amazing opportunity for me to relate to grieving people in a way only available for those of us who share this devastation. What a privilege it is.
Recently my desire to start up morning devotions (15mins a day, which literally I haven’t done in decades) – may seem like a small thing to some, but my memories of my dad, every morning at 6am at the breakfast table with his Bible and cereal, are vivid in my mind always. I need to be doing this.
I have no idea what life would have looked like if things hadn’t happened this way. But I look at my wee family, my brothers and their families, and our dearest of friends who wrapped around us – and I am speechless at how grateful I am for the journey together.
I miss Brian, my dad, and my mom like crazy. But I know ‘now’ that God has a bigger plan, His plans are greater – and they might be crushing as we experience them, but His purpose is bigger.
The word ‘hope’ is another one of my key words, and always has been. But was a really hard word for me to embrace during all of this – but it is BACK!
Not long before my mom died, Graydon, Jaclyn & I went and visited with her – and sang to her in her little nursing home room, ‘Because He Lives’. At both of my parents funerals, and also at my wedding to Kevin, this great song was a focal point:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know, He holds the future. And life is worth the living, just because He lives.
Because He lives.
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